It’s over for now. Three lifeless bodies lay outstretched, adjacent to each other on ruffled up beds, still attached to machines whose sole purpose was to force in a breath, one at a time, into patients who were too weak to do so themselves. Their bodies finally look calm and rested, after days of pain and struggle, bearing the unimaginable discomfort of having a large tube pushed down their throat, only to have a gush of air forced into their lungs to quench their thirst for oxygen. Ventilation indeed appears peaceful when the soul no longer fights for dominance. A young staff nurse switches off all the three alarming monitors and powers down the ventilators – we had lost this fight. A new patient is being trolleyed in.
The wailings never really stop inside the isolation ward. The first few days were the most difficult. Death and pain are things that are encountered on a daily basis if one is in the health care profession. However, nothing could have possibly prepared us for the things that transpired inside the Covid19 ward. With time, caregivers had to condition themselves to ignore the suffering around them. Paying heed to it all will only make the situation worse. Yes, I had to condition myself to learn to ignore the emotions all around in order to be able to keep on fighting for the countless lives that depend on me during their hour of need. Yes, it will affect me in numerous adverse ways later, but that’s a problem for another day.
“Hello sir, your wife if very sick right now and she is unable to breathe even on the non-invasive ventilator. We are shifting her to ICU right away, and it is a possibility that she might not make it through the night”. Only sobs can be heard from the other end. “Please take care of my husband doctor, he is all I have left in this world” uttered an old lady as she was getting discharged. Her husband of 40 years stayed back as he still needed oxygen. They never saw each other again after that. How does one ever recover from that? Three days after he was admitted, his wife who was caring for him developed symptoms as well. Few days later she was sealed in a coffin and carried to hole dug on a hill, by people in PPE suits who had never seen her before. Prayers by loved ones will be made only from afar. Where is the honor in any of this? Is it not this sense of helplessness by all concerned that makes us all crumble with anguish and disheartenment? Seeing that medical treatment doesn’t seem to work, not being able to care for one’s loved one in their death bed, not being able to send off a family member into the afterlife, indeed cripples all involved in the care and treatment of a covid19 patient. And these men, yes, these noble men, men with probably the most difficult job in the world. Carrying unmarked wooden boxes cradling lifeless corpses of someone else’s loved one. They silently come and go, often many times every single day. When this is all over, I hope they are remembered too.
This new patient, she looked familiar. Dehydrated yet sweating at the same time, her skin radiating a dusky hue and she was moaning as she struggled to breathe. The fog from the face shield made it even more difficult to recognize her at first glance. But yes, I knew her well. “Be objective! Sever all attachments. Don’t let emotions influence your medical decisions”, I reminded myself. Does knowing the treating doctor gives one an added edge while admitted in the hospital? Everyone would say yes but I would beg to differ. Screams could be heard from the adjacent ward. Yet another life lost to this covid19 menace.
The nurse next to me is checking a patient’s vital signs and I can’t help but be in awe of her courage and strength in this war against the virus. We have been blessed with an army of nurses, with timid voices, who endlessly toil in silence to take care of the ill and wretched. Truly, they leave giant footprints and are the real heroes in this tragic situation. “Sir the patient admitted in the Dressing Room is not doing so well. Shall we start her on the C-PAP?” I just gave a nod. Would I be able to still take care of patients in such a composed manner if my own mother is on the ventilator and would unlikely make it through the night? This gem of a young doctor is doing just that! Mother will be so proud of the warrior she raised.
Shouting can be heard outside, from within the emergency room. Yet another who got offended with the staff for conducting a covid test. Foul language is usually the first choice from among the limited arsenal of the ignoramus. “How can you suspect covid when my mother is bedridden?” but all the while forgetting that he goes out into the community daily! Louder shouts are heard when the test showed a positive result. Now it somehow became our fault. Should we just tell him that the fault is likely his? Will he be able to live with himself if we too start to disregard the feelings of people during their most vulnerable moments? Another patient gets trolleyed in.
Today we lost one of our own and it brings forth an unpleasant realization that warriors are humans too. Indeed, life is so fragile. A moment ago, she was here awaiting her call to run to the laboratory to retrieve reports that would likely save a life and now she herself is on bed 5 in ICU, cold. We will remember your humor, your dedication, your selflessness. It has been an honor to have lived during your lifetime. Prayers were heard over the PA system, offering some conditioned consolation for all who knew her.
The last place one might expect to find anything short of tears and rants of hopelessness is the relative waiting area of the ICU. But there they are, ten souls who have found something in common, Humanity. Sharing stories, life experiences and sometimes even food, and all the while remembering that loved ones are desperately fighting to hold on to dear life in the adjacent room. They gave each other hope and comfort in the midst of suffering and pain. It made me realize that We are all not very different from each other during such difficult times. Petty differences of race, creed, religion, wealth and fame should henceforth bear no importance in terms of how we choose to look at life. We are all just as vulnerable and just as strong as the complete stranger in the next seat, in the next bed, so why be bothered by imaginary disunion.
When this tragedy is past, when this storm is over; Let everything that has happened bear witness to remind us that we got through it all together. Let us remember the healthcare personnel who had left their loved ones so that your loved ones could be cared for. Let us appreciate the courage of all who stepped forward risking their lives to make sure that others don’t have to. Let not this spirit of comradery end with the pandemic, nor should the conviction that I am my brother’s keeper be forgotten once “normalcy” returns. Let us honor the legacy of our dearly departed by embracing life in all its fullness. Let the word Humanity bear new meaning henceforth; that during our darkest hour, we only had each other to lean on.